Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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