Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
No subtext here. People are naked.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
