When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
