The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
