Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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