Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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