Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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