shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
