i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
