Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
