the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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