He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
