i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
