mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
