i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
