Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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