It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
