dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
