This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize