When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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