Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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