my vag is so smooth its legendary
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
