Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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