if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
