the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
