HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
