i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
