Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
