she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
