Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize