so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
