I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
