I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
