Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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