i think my mom watched the whole time
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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