I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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