Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
look no pants
He kissed a someone with a penis
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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