oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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