i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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