If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize