drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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