i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
