Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm both gender and math confused
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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