he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
