I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
