I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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