If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
