I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
