I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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