Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
