Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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