I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
