yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
