I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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