Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize