just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize