rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
