Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
