Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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