3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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