the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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