just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
