My Higher Power is John Stamos
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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