got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
