I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
