Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
