New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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